Bob: Hey Andy.
Andy: Hey Bob.
Bob: So, can I come in the room?
Andy: Oh, well, were you born in the room?
Bob: Born in it?
Bob: Um, no, I was born in L.A.
Andy: Oh, I'm sorry, you can't come in the room then.
Bob: Oh, but my girlfriend's in the room.
Andy: Well, you can come in and visit her for three hours.
Bob: And then what?
Andy: And then you have to leave.
Bob: Okay...can I come back after those three hours?
Bob: Maybe? Maybe depending on what?
Andy: Well, depending on how we feel about it.
Bob: "We?" Who's "we"?
Andy: Well, you know, us, the door guards.
Bob: I only see you.
Andy: Well, there's a lot of us, believe me.
Bob: Okay. So there's no way I can come in the room at all?
Andy: Well, there's a raffle. You could sign up for the raffle and maybe you'll win.
Bob: Um...okay...what are my chances of winning?
Andy: Well, there's only one winner.
Bob: Okay. But how many total people enter?
Andy: About 10 thousand.
(Bob looks somewhat flabbergasted.)
(A man in a doctor's coat comes up.)
Doctor: Oh, hello. Can I come in the room?
Andy: Well, were you born in the room?
Doctor: Well, no, but I'm a doctor.
Andy: Oh, okay, you can come in.
(Doctor goes into the room.)
Bob: Wait, why could he go in there?
Andy: Well, he was a doctor.
Bob: But I can't go in there, because I'm not a doctor?
Andy: That's right. And you weren't born there. But you could win the raffle.
Bob: I have a 1 in 10,000 chance of winning.
Andy: Well, yes. But if you win, you get to come in the room. I mean, after some paperwork.
Andy: Well, there's about a month's worth of paperwork to do to get in the room if you win the raffle. But the good news is that you only have to pay $5000 to get in, then.
Bob: $5000?? What for?
Andy: Well, for us to read the paperwork, of course.
(Bob is once again flabbergasted.)
(A very serious man in a business suit comes in.)
Businessman: I need to get into that room right away.
Andy: Well, I'm sorry, but you can't go into this room unless you were born here.
Businessman: I'll give you $100,000 to let me into that room right now.
Andy: Okay, go ahead.
(Businessman pulls a pre-written check out of his pants and gives it to Andy.)
Andy: Thanks! Have a nice time in the room!
(Businessman enters the room.)
Bob: What the fuck. Did that guy just bribe you to let him in?
Andy: Oh, no, it's part of the rules. If you give me $100,000, I can let you into the room. Do you have $100,000?
Andy: Ah, well, then I don't think I can let you into the room.
Bob: So, being born in there, winning the raffle, being a doctor, or bribing--
Bob: --gifting you $100,000 are the only ways that I can come into that room?
Andy: Well, if you want to stay for more than three hours, yes.
Bob: Those are the only ways?
Andy: Well, you could marry somebody who lives in the room.
Bob: Marry somebody?
Andy: Well, yes, that's what I said. Perhaps you should marry your girlfriend. Then you could come into the room.
Bob: But I've just met her!
Andy: Well, why don't you go visit her for a little bit and see if you want to marry her.
Bob: For just three hours?
Andy: Well, no, if you're going to marry her you can visit her for six hours. But you have to propose in the first three hours.
Bob: How could anybody possibly know that they want to marry somebody if they can only visit them for three hours?
Andy: Well, clearly that is not my problem.
Bob: Well, whatever. (pause) Can I send my girlfriend flowers?
Andy: Well, certainly, you just have to buy them inside of the room.
Bob: But I can't go in the room!
Andy: Well, you could send a letter into the room, or write an email. Or you could call a flower seller.
Bob: Okay, fine, whatever. I can't buy flowers outside of the room and then bring them in?
Andy: Well, yes, but there's a door charge.
Bob: A door charge?
Andy: Sure, about 15%. You're going to sell the flowers, right?
Bob: No, I'm just going to give them to my girlfriend!!
Andy: You're bringing flowers into the room, but you're not selling them?
Andy: Well, I'll have to inspect the flowers.
Bob: Inspect the flowers?
Andy: Yes, to make sure that you're not bringing in any illegal flowers.
Bob: Illegal flowers?
Andy: Well, the room has certain rules about what you can bring in if you're not selling it.
Bob: (frustrated noise). So what if I was selling flowers?
Andy: Well, then there would be different rules. And you'd have to pay the door charge.
Bob: The door charge?
Andy: Yes, about 15%.
Bob: 15% of what?
Andy: The value of the flowers.
Bob: How do you know the value of flowers?
Andy: Well, there's rules. We have a lot of rules in the room.
Bob: But my girlfriend is in there!
Andy: Well, you could propose by text message.
Bob: (blank stare) (pause) And then what, I have to do a month's worth of paperwork and pay you $5000 to come into the room?
Andy: Exactly! You're a smart person. See how it all makes sense?
Bob: Fuck you. I'm going home.
Andy: Bye! We hope to see you again some time. It's always nice here, in the room.